sink, sunk, sunken

Monday, I met a new friend. She is of one Cikgu Jason’s new apprentice. It was like a hit it off of equilibrium at first sight. It was quite funny, the usually lip tight me has so much to talk to her. It is like talking to my elder sister or my siblings. (I do have an elder sister; but she is in heaven now. I never had an opportunity to know my own sister. She left my parents when she is only 3 days old. It was a hard one for my mom).

It is very very very unsually for me to shed tears talking to a “stranger”. Especially, first time meeting. I know I am very emotional at times but shedding tears at first meeting was unusual to me.

Today, I learned that I am very lucky. I have always been counting my blessing. However, this is an exceptional day.

It was a very awakening meeting with her. Suddenly, I realized that I am assembling my lost and loose soul. Today she told me things that I knew I wasn’t doing right and that I knew it long ago and I am letting this doing sunk deeper and deeper in me.( Not that I am a naughty or an evil person) But the wrong doing that I am sinking myself in is I am not being myself.

She even tells me what am being Me, Myself all about... psychic – nye…scary oo… I hope she is not supernatural. Maybe she is fully practicing the sense of “Vibration” in good use.

In less than 3 hours, she is telling me a lot of about myself…woooooooo

SO what is all about being myself that I am not releasing in good use and let the negative traits sinks me deeper…

1) I am wonderful
2) Analytic
3) Smart
4) Witty
5) Fortunate
6) Learn faster than thunder and lightning
7) Seasoned – meaning mature for my age-lah
8) Career minded – yes, my mom have been questioning for these 2 years, “ What had happened to you? Please wake up!!” SO YOU COULD IMAGINE NOW WHAT HAPPENED TO ME?
9) Talented
10) Multi-skilled
11) Confident
12) I am beautiful??? Really??? She said I have beautiful features and eyes…kembang-nye
And so many more

As I think back, perhaps; no, maybe; no, Ok! absolutely, that she is right that I am sinking my self in an unknown world. With all the skills, talent, etc I should be somewhere reaching my goals and not at where I am today. Hiding myself and giving nuisance excuse to my own architecture-d blockage.
Well I have gone through many ups and downs the last 3 years. I am picking up very fast. I climbed back fast. I drop fast. Heck ... I never really drop, just that I felt very lethargic at times. Lack of some sense of energy or drive. Maybe, I have never try hard enough or just simple lost hope, maybe, like what she said, I lay all my responsibilities to my husband’s shoulders. Well, indeed, very irresponsible of me. (Hey, sometimes you just can’t help it when you have a husband who pampers you a lot).

So is being myself so IMPORTANT???

Today I am going to answer this question, BEING MYSELF IS VERY IMPORTANT.

It is very important because;

1) I can lead comfortable life.
2) I want to make a lot of money so that I can have all the material things I want in life.
3) So that my parents can have a good retirement phase. They have sacrificed a lot to put food on the table, to pay for my expenses; they gave me a lot care and love to raise me. I want them to have a landed property, so that they no longer need to climb up 5-storey to reach home.
4) So that my children can have all the necessity in life and material that will help enhance their skills to be a better person mentally, spiritually and intellectually.
5) So that I can help those less fortunate. With more money I can help more people. Give back more to the society. And make the world a better place for living

Stand by me.

When the night has come
And the land is dark
And the moon is the only light we’ll see

Oh I won’t be afraid
Oh I won’t be afraid

Let the song begin












Thank you for not giving up on me.
Thank you for trusting me.
Thank you for standing by me.
Thank you for your encouragement
Thank you for the silence moment you grant me.
Thank you for walking by my side.
Thank you for your support.
Thank you for everything.
Thank you for not doing anything and letting me do it myself.

After I left Jason’s place that day, I asked is that small little blockage that caused me to sink, be sunk and sunken???

---I never answered that question, until, Tuesday midnight. It was 12.30 am. My childhood friend, well her name is Sum Wan not someone .hehehe. send an SMS informing me of her wedding in November. As I have expected it since early this year.
We text each another, and of course we kepoh!!! And she sends me this, “after so long being friends, of course we know each others habits, bad habits and character”

Guess I have been sinking long enough till no one realizes I am not being myself. Or perhaps, they are still standing by me.

Sometimes I doubt myself could it be not a blockage and just because I have been pregnant that makes me very emotionally unstable or unfocused???

BUT, those are just mere excuses for being pregnant and makes me emotionally unstable and unfocused.

I have learned a lot that makes me stand who I am today. I believe that damn little blockage is self-architectured and is not due to my pregnancy. Even without the pregnancy the blockage is there….

I really want to bang my head against the wall. Heck. Small little things can block me? It is just as tiny as a cyst and not even any tumor or hemorrhage.

Since I can’t change things, so I need to replace it….hello… I can’t replace a human being, right??? How-leh???







I just hated to wear a mask and not being me. That is not very ME.
It is a failure of communication…
Guess I need to stay-put for another 4 months before I can move anything…
    

Unless I deliver early ehheheheeeeeeee…   

But #2 is only 24 weeks now wor… o.0


One thing my new friend aka jie jie mentioned to me…

I am sinking this damn blockage in me because I love my husband a lot…sometimes love is acquired in many different ways. And it needs sacrifices…….WAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! This is serious then…so I go tell my husband I don’t want “love”, I just want to move-OUT!!!! And clear the damn blockage out of my way!!! Lead our own life!!!
Maybe I am too much in control…sorry I am not a dictator. There are time you just need peace of mind and no interference.

You know I just wanted my own space; I need privacy; I am a very sel-F_I_S_H person. I don’t like to share my stuff with other people i.e interference from ‘other’ people. I don’t like people come and tell me this and that, touch my stuff, peep my stuff,… I just want a moment in time.

Is this wrong?

Sumwan also asked me why I have not organized any gathering since I married.
HAHHHAAHAHAH!!!
Big JOKE – lo.
I wish too, have my friends hang at my place, have nice home cooked and baked food, have cuppa coffee and tea, have a good laugh, good chat, good busybodying, and all the privacy.
BUT NOT NOW!! Very SOON!!!

Daddy promised we’ll have our own place after delivery of #2.

So having our own place means a lot to me and daddy.
NO MORE PEEPING EYES!!!NO MORE NOISES!!!
Just a moment in time…hehehe…
So I-vern can have his own play place. I can buy more bulky toys for him. Can paste drawings on the wall. Can have my own studies. My own kitchen, all to myself. can cook whatever food that I like…yummy… lamb chop and beef steak…MY own TV. I-vern can watch his children’s DVD all the time. No more this and that, don’t touch for I-vern. He can jump and climb as he likes….Daddy can relax after work. No one commanding daddy for this and that…whoa…
Popo and yee yee can come overnight.

And most importantly, no one can scream at my children. I don’t like the idea of suka-suka some people like to be headmaster to my kids…heck you who you think you are???
Don’t come and show-off how good your parenting skills are. ok…go get yourself a kiddo.

I hate people who like to show-off their parenting skills to my kids. Especially screaming and commanding at my toddler. Hey, he is only 1 year old. You, yourself don’t even have discipline. Forget about being a commando to him. Furthermore, you are not his daddy!!! Go far far away la…fark you!!!

Just another resonance of lazymummy   
no one was hurt during this process. Don’t worry. Be happy. Stay jolly.


*so what if someone from this plc reads this?? i dont care much!!!